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Eating disorders
When Food Becomes the Mask for Deeper Pain
We often think of eating disorders in terms of food what someone is or isn’t eating, the rituals they have around meals, or how their body looks. But to truly understand an eating disorder, we need to move past the surface. It’s not about vanity, willpower, or calories. It’s about what’s going on underneath.
Because eating disorders are rarely about food.
At the core of most eating disorders lies a deeper emotional hunger. It’s not physical; it’s psychological, relational. For many, the eating disorder isn’t about food at all, but a way to manage overwhelming emotions or inner conflict. It often becomes a coping mechanism, a trauma response, an attempt to feel in control, or a means of seeking meaning, safety, or self-worth.
People struggling with eating disorders are often carrying unexpressed grief, emotional pain, feelings of unworthiness, or low self-esteem. Some have grown up in environments marked by family dysfunction or trauma, while others may be responding to a world that feels unpredictable, trying to find some sense of stability or control.
In these cases, food becomes a form of communication. When words feel too risky or unavailable, eating or not eating expresses what cannot be spoken. Restriction may reflect a longing for control or self-discipline. Bingeing can serve to numb emotional overwhelm, while purging might be an attempt to rid the body of what feels toxic, shameful, or unbearable.
Often, the roots trace back to trauma. Experiences such as abuse, neglect, bullying, or emotional invalidation can lead someone to disconnect from their body or try to reshape it in an effort to feel safer, less exposed, or more acceptable. These early wounds often shape how a person relates to food, to their body, and to their sense of self.
When the body becomes the battleground, food becomes the weapon.
The Illusion of Control
Control plays a powerful role in disordered eating. When life feels chaotic, overwhelming, or emotionally unpredictable, controlling food can feel like the only thing within reach. It becomes a way to create structure, numb anxiety, or manage emotions when there’s no safer outlet.
Take Jason, for example. He’d always struggled with anxiety, but in college, the pressure to perform socially, academically, emotionally became overwhelming. Everything felt out of control: his schedule, expectations, even his sense of belonging. He didn’t know how to express what he was feeling, and asking for help felt like failure.
So, he turned to food something immediate, private, and seemingly manageable. Late at night, when stress peaked and no one was watching, he would binge eat. In those moments, food became a way to regulate his emotions. Choosing what to eat, when, and how much gave him a sense of control amidst the chaos. It quieted his mind and gave him something predictable something that didn’t judge, disappoint, or push back. But afterward, the shame would set in. He began purging, telling himself it was a way to “undo the damage.” What started as a coping mechanism spiraled into something that controlled him.
Eating disorder can slowly take over dictating thoughts, behaviors, and self-worth. And all the while, the emotional pain underneath remains unresolved and unheard.
Perfectionism paradox
Many people with eating disorders describe themselves as perfectionists. They want to be the best, do the right thing, never let anyone down. On the surface, this drive may seem admirable but underneath it is often anxiety, fear of rejection, and a belief that love must be earned through achievement or discipline. Controlling food can feel like one area where they can be “perfect” even if everything else feels overwhelming. But perfection is a moving target, and the pursuit can become exhausting and isolating.
Take Emma, for example. From a young age, she was the “good girl.” Straight A’s, polite, responsible, never caused trouble. She learned early that being perfect meant being safe, accepted, and loved.
When she reached high school, that pressure intensified. She felt like she had to excel at everything academics, sports, friendships while hiding any signs of stress or weakness. Deep down, Emma feared that if she made a mistake or showed emotion, she would disappoint the people who relied on her. But she didn’t know how to cope with sense of overwhelmed.
So she turned to food.
Restricting what she ate gave her a sense of control and mastery. When everything else felt impossible to perfect, eating became the one area she could “get right.” Fewer calories meant more willpower. Skipping meals meant discipline. Compliments about her shrinking body only reinforced the belief that thinness was proof of her success.
But underneath the perfectionism was something else entirely: anxiety, loneliness, and a deep fear of not being enough.
Emma wasn’t trying to be thin she was trying to be safe. She was trying to find worth in a world where she felt invisible unless she was excelling. Over time, the very thing that gave her a sense of control began to control her. Her life became smaller, her thoughts consumed by food, guilt, and numbers. Social events became stressful. Her body weakened. And still, she felt she wasn’t doing enough.
Healing is about building a life where food, weight, and control are no longer at the center who you are.
And while no one can recover for you, you don’t have to do it alone. Whether through therapy, support groups, trusted friends, or loved ones, recovery is more possible and more sustainable when you’re supported.
Please bear in mind that eating disorders are complex. Eating disorders don’t just affect behavior they change the body’s biology. Starvation, bingeing, and purging can alter metabolism, brain chemistry, and hormones. Because of this, recovery often also requires changing how and what you eat, not just for nourishment but to restore physical health and balance. This might mean eating regularly, restoring lost weight, or reintroducing foods once feared and many more. Please consult a qualified medical or mental health professional to determine the treatment plan that’s right for you.
For individuals experiencing disordered eating without immediate medical risks, I offer therapy sessions focused on emotional healing, body image, and developing a healthier relationship with food online and in Veldhoven and Eindhoven. However, if your situation involves significant physical complications or a high level of risk, I strongly recommend seeking support from a multidisciplinary team that may include a physician, registered dietitian, and specialized eating disorder therapist or treatment program.
Reference
This post is written based on insights from The Eating Disorder Sourcebook by Carolyn Costin, a leading expert in the treatment and recovery of eating disorders.
