Narcissism

Breaking the Narcissism Cycle: A Guide for Those Ready to Reconnect with Their Real Self

If you’ve ever wondered why you crave attention, feel hurt by even small criticisms, or secretly fear being “just average”... yet you struggle to connect deeply with others?

You may also see parts of yourself described in the word “narcissism”

People with narcissistic traits often present as confident, charming, ambitious even superior. But inside, many feel painfully empty, fragile, and alone. Schema Therapy shows that narcissism isn’t about being “evil” or selfish. It's often the result of unmet childhood needs and emotional wounds.

What’s Really Behind Narcissistic Patterns?

Underneath narcissistic traits like needing admiration, struggling with criticism, or detaching from emotions are often early emotional wounds. These wounds get encoded in what Schema Therapy calls schemas: deeply held beliefs about yourself and the world. The two most common schemas behind narcissistic patterns are:

Emotional Deprivation: the belief that no one will ever really meet your emotional needs.
Defectiveness/Shame: the belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong or unlovable about you.

To protect yourself from the pain of these beliefs, you might have developed certain modes. These are different parts of yourself that show up to manage your emotions and relationships.

Understanding the Modes: Parts of You That Take Over

1. The Lonely Child

This is the vulnerable part of you that feels unloved, abandoned, or not good enough. You may rarely see this part directly, but it often shows up when you're alone, emotionally triggered, or disappointed by others. This is the part that truly needs attention not admiration, but love.

To connect more deeply with this vulnerable self, try sitting with questions like, “What if you weren’t admired?” or “What would happen if you failed?” These questions help surface the deep-rooted fears of being unloved, defective, or abandoned.

2. The Self-Aggrandizer

This part tries to compensate for pain by being impressive, successful, or dominant. It might chase admiration, status, or control. While it may give a temporary boost, it often leaves you feeling isolated and empty afterward. This mode often develops early in life, when love felt conditional tied to performance, appearances, or being “the best.” You may have learned that being impressive was the only way to avoid rejection or shame. Over time, this survival strategy becomes automatic.

But here’s the catch:
Even if others admire you, it doesn’t fill the hole inside. Why? Because the praise is aimed at the persona, not the real you. Deep down, the Lonely Child inside still feels unseen, unknown, and unloved.

So the cycle continues:

Pain → Perform → Praise → Emptiness → More Performing

You may have moments of high- when you succeed, win approval, or feel “on top.” But these highs are usually followed by:

Emotional crashes
Sudden shame when you fail or are criticized
Disconnection from others, who may feel pushed away, judged, or used

Over time, this mode can damage relationships. People may feel like they can’t connect with the “real you.” But most importantly, you may lose connection with yourself.

3. The Detached Self-Soother

This is the part that numbs you. You might zone out with work, scrolling, porn, alcohol, or constant stimulation. It helps you avoid feeling the deeper pain but it also blocks connection and emotional growth.

4. The Demanding Parent

This internal voice sets impossibly high standards. It says things like:
“If you’re not the best, you’re nothing.”
“You can’t let anyone see your flaws.”
“Don’t show weakness-it’s pathetic.”

You may have internalized this harsh voice from caregivers or cultural expectations. But it’s not the truth-it’s just one mode. And it can be challenged.

Identifying and Restructuring the Thinking That Keeps You Stuck

Your thoughts shape your emotional reality. But many patterns tied to narcissistic coping are built on distortions - automatic, rigid beliefs that limit your growth and relationships. The first step is learning to spot them.

Black-or-White Thinking

You might see yourself and others in extremes either special or worthless, admired or rejected, good or bad. This kind of thinking makes it hard to accept the complexity and nuance in people and situations. It can drive you to constantly prove your worth or feel crushed by shame when you don’t measure up. At the same time, it might lead you to judge others harshly, seeing them as all good or all bad, which can block real connection and understanding.

What to Practice:
Ask yourself: What’s a more balanced, realistic way to see this?
Try writing down:

“I don’t have to be exceptional to be valuable. I can be human and still be worthy of love.
And people, including myself, are a mix of strengths and flaws not all good or all bad.”. People’s actions often come from complex motives, and they can show kindness and make mistakes at the same time. Practicing seeing in shades of gray helps you build empathy, reduces harsh judgments, and opens the door for more genuine, compassionate relationships with yourself and others. Instead of labeling someone as “all bad” because of a mistake, consider what circumstances or struggles might be influencing the behavior and recognize that people are just are doing their best to navigate life’s challenges like you are.

Distorted Beliefs About Deprivation

You might assume others are holding back from you, misunderstanding or rejecting you even when they’re not. This leads to anger or withdrawal, reinforcing your loneliness.

What to Practice:
Ask: Is this reaction based on the present or on my past?
Challenge the thought:

“Maybe they’re not ignoring me. Maybe I’m expecting rejection because it’s what I’m used to.”

Perfectionism

Driven by the Demanding Parent mode, perfectionism can feel like survival. But it's not sustainable or healthy.

What to Practice:
Notice when you're pushing yourself past reasonable limits. Ask:

“Am I being driven by fear right now or by something meaningful?”
Counter it with:
“Doing my best is enough. I’m still enough, even when I fall short.”

Reconnecting with the Lonely Child

Reflective Alone Time: Caring for Your Lonely Child

Many people with narcissistic patterns avoid silence because it can awaken painful feelings. Instead, they turn to distractions like work, social media, or other stimulation to escape emotional discomfort. But healing requires learning to sit with yourself, without distractions, and face those feelings gently.

Here’s a simple practice to start:

Turn off all distractions no music, phone, or TV.
Sit quietly for 10–15 minutes. Notice whatever feelings come up boredom, sadness, anxiety, or even emptiness. Let yourself feel these emotions without pushing them away.
After sitting quietly, journal freely without censoring yourself. Write down answers to questions like:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What does my Lonely Child need from me today?
- How have I been avoiding myself or these feelings?

Doing this regularly strengthens your connection to the part of you that needs care. Over time, you’ll move from simply thinking about your needs to truly feeling and responding to them. This practice builds the nurturing relationship with yourself that you may have missed in childhood one where you offer understanding, patience, and love.

Get in Touch with Your Vulnerable Child Mode

The Vulnerable Child is the part of you that feels unloved, abandoned, or not good enough. Healing begins by connecting with this part, which often hides beneath layers of defense and distraction.

To start, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, allowing your body to relax as your breath flows in and out.

Let your mind gently drift to a recent moment when you experienced strong negative emotions moments when you might have felt lonely, scared, or rejected. Try to relive that situation as vividly as you can, feeling the emotions fully without judgment.

Once you’re in touch with those feelings, gently erase the present situation from your mind’s screen. Let your thoughts float back in time. Wait patiently to see what memories or images arise from your past. These are likely moments when your younger self the Vulnerable Child felt similar pain or fear. Notice the feelings and needs of that child.

Now, gently imagine yourself stepping into that past moment not as you were back then, but as the adult you are today. See the child version of you clearly. Notice their face, their posture, their pain. Approach them with warmth, patience, and compassion. Sit beside them. Speak to them the way no one did at the time. You might say: “You’re not alone now. I see you. You didn’t deserve to feel unloved or invisible. You were always worthy of care.” Imagine holding or comforting that child in whatever way they need. Let them feel your presence, your protection. Stay with them for as long as they need. Rather than bypassing emotional pain, healing unfolds as we provide the inner child with the core experiences they were once denied: nurturing, protection, and being seen.

The information provided here is based on the work of Dr. Jeffrey E. Young, founder of Schema Therapy, as detailed in his book Schema Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide (co-authored with Janet S. Klosko and Marjorie E. Weishaar), and insights from Dr. Arielle Schwartz’s book Breaking Patterns: Schema Therapy for Emotional Resilience. These resources offer valuable guidance for understanding and healing deep-rooted emotional patterns.

If this post resonated with you and you recognize these patterns in yourself, know that you don’t have to face them alone. I offer compassionate, personalized support to help you understand and heal these parts whether it’s the Self-Aggrandizer, the Detached Self-Soother, or the Vulnerable inner child. You can schedule sessions with me online or in person in Veldhoven and Eindhoven.