Dependence schema

What Is the Dependence Schema?

Dependence schema is a deep-rooted belief that you cannot cope with life on your own. It’s not just a preference for support it’s the conviction that without someone stronger, wiser, or more capable to guide you, you will fail. People with this schema often feel like helpless children trapped in adult bodies. Everyday responsibilities: paying bills, making decisions, or navigating a new environment can trigger intense anxiety and self-doubt. Life feels too big, and they feel too small to handle it.

The Core of the Dependence Schema: “I Can’t Do It Alone”

At the heart of the dependence schema is a pervasive sense of incompetence. Those affected often believe they lack the ability to make sound judgments, especially when facing change or unfamiliar tasks. They struggle to trust their own decisions and instinctively look to others partners, parents, bosses, or friends to take the lead. They may come across as indecisive, passive, or overly reliant, not because they want to avoid responsibility, but because they genuinely believe they’re not equipped to handle it.

Everyday Life Feels Overwhelming

For someone with this schema, even simple acts like traveling alone, driving to a new place, or managing finances can feel threatening. What if something goes wrong? What if they get lost or can't fix a problem? They may avoid these situations altogether or insist on having someone more "capable" nearby. The fear isn’t just of failure it’s of being left alone in a world that feels dangerous and unmanageable.

How the Schema Shapes Relationships

Because independence feels unsafe, people with this schema often form relationships where someone else takes the lead. They may rely heavily on partners, friends, or family members who act as caretakers or decision-makers. Even when relationships become unhealthy or controlling, the fear of being alone or of having to function without that support can keep them stuck. Dependence often masquerades as loyalty or love, but underneath is a belief that leaving would mean collapse.

Origins of the Dependence

1) Overprotection

A common cause of the Dependence schema is having had overprotective parents. These parents, often with good intentions, did too much for their children. By making decisions, solving problems, or shielding them from failure, they limited their child’s opportunities to build self-reliance and trust in their own abilities. Without chances to face challenges independently, children often grew up feeling unsure of themselves and overly dependent on others.

Overprotective parents tend to be deeply involved in many areas of their child’s life. They may handle tasks the child could manage independently whether schoolwork, social interactions, or daily activities. This excessive involvement often means children don’t get to experience trial and error firsthand, a vital process for learning and growth. When children try to act autonomously, their efforts may be undermined by criticism or expressions of doubt from their parents, fostering anxiety, self-doubt, and a belief that they are incapable.

Alongside this, overprotectiveness often involves heightened worry and fear about the child’s safety. Parents frequently warn their children about dangers, creating an atmosphere that portrays the world as unsafe and unpredictable. This reinforces the message that the child must remain close and dependent, which can limit the child’s freedom to explore and develop independence. Despite often being very loving and affectionate, these parents may themselves struggle with anxiety or insecurity, which drives their need to control and protect.

Many adults with this background continue to struggle with separation and independent decision-making, sometimes due to ongoing parental control or advice.

2) When There Was Too Little Support

While the Dependence schema often forms in response to overprotective parenting, it can also develop when children grow up with too little guidance, support, or safety. In these cases, parents may have expected their children to be independent too early or failed to provide the emotional and practical help they needed to feel secure.

Children who felt neglected, overlooked, or forced to figure things out alone may have grown up feeling overwhelmed by the demands of life. Without a steady, dependable adult to model problem-solving or offer reassurance, they may never have learned how to trust their own judgment or handle challenges with confidence. Instead of developing independence, they learned to feel helpless.

Sometimes these parents were emotionally unavailable, distracted, or struggling with their own problems. Other times, they believed strongly in “tough love” or valued self-reliance above all else. While the intention may have been to raise strong, independent children, the effect was often the opposite: these children internalized the belief that they were on their own and not capable of managing.

As adults, people with this background might find themselves constantly seeking reassurance, avoiding decisions, or feeling anxious in unfamiliar situations. Even though they had to function on their own early in life, they may have never felt equipped to do so. The emotional imprint of that early insecurity lingers, fueling the Dependence schema.

How to Overcome the Dependence Schema:

Now that we’ve defined what the Dependence schema is and explored how it develops we can turn toward change. The good news is that this pattern isn’t permanent. With the right tools and consistent practice, you can start building confidence in your own abilities and reduce your reliance on others. Here’s how to begin.

The tips and strategies in this article are based on the books "Reinventing Your Life" by Jeffrey Young & Janet Klosko, and "Schema Therapy" by Jeffrey Young, Janet Klosko, & Marjorie Weishaar.

1. Understand Your Childhood Dependence

Reflect on your childhood and how your dependence was fostered.

2. List Everyday Situations You Depend on Others For

Write down tasks, responsibilities, and decisions you rely on others for daily. Examples: housing, meals, finances, transportation, planning, etc.

3. List Challenges or Changes You Have Avoided

Identify fears, phobias, or situations you avoid because you feel dependent or afraid. Include social, work, and personal challenges.

4. Review Past Relationships for Patterns of Dependence

Reflect on people who encouraged your dependence or made you feel powerless.
List dependence lifetraps you tend to fall into (e.g., clinginess, not making decisions).
Use this insight to avoid repeating those patterns.

5. Challenge Your Thoughts

When you notice thoughts like “I can’t do this alone,” question them. Ask yourself:

Is this really true?

What evidence do I have that I can handle this?

Use tools like flashcards with written positive reminders

6. Use Imagery to Strengthen Your Inner Adult

In the situation where you feel stuck or unsure like making a decision, solving a problem, or managing daily tasks. Picture your younger, scared self (the "Incompetent Child") in that moment.

Now, imagine stepping in as your Healthy Adult self calm, capable, and supportive.

Say to the child:
"I know that is not easy for you right now and it totally makes sense considering what happened to you. You're young and scared to make decisions. But you don’t have to make them because I’m here. I’m the adult now, and I can handle this. I can make decisions and do things on my own."

6. Stop Avoiding Tasks Alone

One of the biggest challenges is breaking the habit of immediately asking for help. Start by trying tasks on your own. Remember, making mistakes is part of learning, and every time you try, you get better.

7. Systematically Tackle Tasks Without Asking for Help

Start with easier tasks from your list and plan how to approach them independently.
Prepare coping strategies for anxiety or panic (e.g., deep breathing, positive self-talk).

8. Take Credit for Your Successes; Don’t Give Up on Failures

Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small they seem.
When you fail, don’t criticize yourself harshly see it as a learning opportunity.
Keep practicing until you master each task.

The information provided in this section are based of the books "Reinventing Your Life" by Jeffrey Young & Janet Klosko, and "Schema Therapy" by Jeffrey Young, Janet Klosko, & Marjorie Weishaar.

I help individuals struggling with issues like over-dependence, low self-confidence, difficulty making decisions, anxiety about doing things alone, and feeling stuck in old patterns. If any of this resonates with you, you're not alone and support is available.

You’re welcome to schedule a session with me, either online or in person in Eindhoven or Veldhoven.