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Caretaking as Control: When Boundaries Disappear
Caretaking is often seen as an act of kindness, but in chaotic and emotionally unstable relationships, it can become a survival strategy. I explore how caretaking often masks a deeper need for safety and control. I also provide practical tools and gentle guidance to help you rediscover your own needs, rebuild your boundaries, and step out of the exhausting cycle of overgiving.
Caretaking is the compulsive, often unconscious behavior of taking responsibility for another person’s emotional state, actions, or life problems especially at the expense of your own well-being.
Here are some common ways caretaking can show up:
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Walking on eggshells: Constantly monitoring your words and actions to avoid upsetting the other person.
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Feeling responsible for others mood or perfomance.
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Gaining a sense of worth from being needed or indispensable.
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Repeatedly giving time, money, or energy when you’re depleted because you feel guilty not helping.
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Suppressing your own needs or feelings to avoid conflict or guilt.
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Avoiding setting boundaries because you're afraid they’ll leave, get angry, or hurt.
Many people develop caretaking behaviors in childhood, especially if they grew up around a parent who was emotionally volatile, narcissistic, or inconsistent. As a child, trying to keep the peace- by staying quiet, being helpful, anticipating moods, or suppressing personal needs- becomes a way to avoid conflict or punishment or get what you need. Over time, this strategy gets internalized as “love means putting others first” or “I’m only safe if everyone else is okay.”
The Role of Fear in Caretaking
Caretaking often emerges from a place of fear - fear of abandonment, rejection, or emotional harm. When living with someone who exhibits unpredictable or intense behavior, caretakers quickly learn that their safety depends on avoiding triggers and placating the other person. This fear pushes caretakers into caretaking behaviors disguised as care. What appears as selfless giving is often rooted in deep anxiety and the need to prevent emotional chaos.
The Disappearance of Boundaries
One of the consequences of caretaking as control is the erosion of healthy boundaries. Caretakers may feel compelled to sacrifice their own needs, ignore their limits, or tolerate disrespect just to maintain a fragile sense of peace. Over time, this blurring of boundaries leads to resentment, exhaustion, and loss of identity.
The Illusion vs. Reality of Control
Caretaking feels like control because it gives the illusion that by pleasing, appeasing, or sacrificing, you can prevent conflict, avoid rejection, or keep the relationship "safe." But in reality, what you're controlling is only the surface tension, not the root issue.
For example, saying “yes” to unreasonable demands or staying silent in the face of mistreatment just to avoid an argument not only leads to resentment and burnout, but also enables harmful patterns by signaling that their behavior has no consequences. Putting your goals, rest, and health on hold to caretake someone else sends the message (to both of you) that their needs matter more. Over time, this erodes self-worth and creates dependency in the relationship.
Caretaking Recovery: Finding Yourself Again
Awareness is the first step to change. Reflect on your relationship patterns- do you find yourself always trying to fix, please, or control someone else’s feelings? Are your own needs consistently sidelined?
Understand That Caretaking Is Not Your Identity. Caretaking was something you learned to do not who you are. It likely helped you in a family or relationship where safety was tied to keeping someone else calm or happy. By seeing this clearly, you can begin to release guilt, shame, and self-blame.
You are not selfish for wanting peace. You’re human.
Stop Taking Responsibility for Other Adults. You’re not responsible for fixing their lives. Taking on their emotions or chaos is unsustainable. You can care without carrying it all.
Respond Instead of React. Caretaking often feels like an emotional reflex: you jump in, explain, fix, or calm the storm. But healing means learning to pause.
Instead of reacting immediately, try observing:
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What’s actually happening?
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What are my needs right now?
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Do I need to step back?
Giving yourself space helps you act from intention, not obligation.
Rediscover Your Own Needs. Caretakers often lose touch with what they want, think, or feel. Begin to ask:
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What brings me joy?
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What makes me feel calm or alive?
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What do I need right now?
You deserve a life rooted in your own values and desires not just someone else’s needs.
Set Boundaries That Protect Your Energy. Healthy boundaries are not walls. They’re clarity. They say: “This is what I’m okay with, and this is what I’m not.” Examples might include:
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“I’m not available to talk when I’m being yelled at.”
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“I need to end the conversation if it becomes abusive.”
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“I won’t cancel my plans to manage your crisis.”
Consistency and calm delivery are key.
Prepare for Pushback. When you stop over-functioning, those who relied on your caretaking may resist-or even escalate. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Hold steady. This discomfort is temporary-your long-term peace is worth it.
Build a Healthy Support Network. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and celebrate your growth. This might mean working with a therapist, joining a support group, or reconnecting with safe friends and family.
Let yourself receive support the way you’ve always given it.
Let Go of the Fantasy. Many caretakers hold onto hope that “if I just say/do the right thing, they’ll change.” Part of recovery is grieving that fantasy.
Accepting someone’s limitations is painful but it frees you from the cycle of over-investment.
Practice Loving Detachment. You can care without being consumed. Loving detachment means:
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Letting others face the consequences of their choices
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Saying “no” without guilt
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Staying grounded in your own needs
It’s not rejection. It’s respect for you and them.
Reference: This post is written based on the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad. The ideas shared are grounded in the book’s guidance on recognizing and recovering from unhealthy caretaking patterns in relationships.
Ready to Reclaim Your Life?
If you're exhausted by the emotional labor of caretaking and want to feel grounded in your own life again, you're not alone and you don’t have to navigate this alone.
At Authentic Therapy, I offer therapy sessions (online or in-person in Eindhoven and Veldhoven) to help you:
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Understand the roots of your caretaking patterns
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Set clear and respectful boundaries
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Rebuild your identity around your own needs, values, and strengths
You're allowed to prioritize yourself. And it’s not selfish it is essential.
